#itwasme #metoo

My earliest memories of violating someone’s consent were at the age of 5. I would chase this boy named Kent around the kindergarten and kiss him in front of everyone who laughed in glee at my antics. Even the teacher did not stop me. I think I even kissed this boy for show and tell one day. Perhaps because he never stood up to me, I could be seen as a bully. He never stood up for himself, he was clearly non consensual and not enjoying or reciprocating my affection. I was absolutely in the wrong and yet everyone allowed this to go on because I was a little girl predator initiating a chase on my little boy prey and not vice versa. So cute! Also, this was 1981, schools today have millenials as teachers and there would likely be a lesson on consent attached to this teachable moment squeezed in with the phonics of the day. A-A-apple, B-B-boy, C-C-consent! Fast forward to one night when I was working as an escort in LA. I was actually finishing up with a male client when I got a call from a female, flirtatious and asking if I could come by. My bisexual libido was aroused because it is so rare to get calls from women. I gave her the normal run down of my rate and she gave me her address. I threw up a peace sign to John while laughing and we joked about how much fun I was going to be having in the next hour. I drove from that client’s apartment far and deep into the San Fernando Valley. It probably took me about an hour to get to her house. When I arrived, she was noticeably drunk. There are no rules about sober consent in the sex work game for male or female clients because more than 50% of our clients are not sober, and because sex work, especially the way that I did it often followed the rules of the street, if the client made a call, they would either pay or play. My normal routine was to collect money before starting. I put my bag down while she looked at me from the couch seductively. “Can I get $250 from you please?” Her seductive eyes turned innocent and she put her finger on her cheek. “$250?” she laughed and moved closer to me. “What are you talking about?” She moved in to kiss me. I returned her passion. It was hot. I love women and women like this know this. I had spent the entire hour driving to her house thinking about how much fun it would be to fuck her even though I’d not seen her face, I was sure by the sound of her voice that she knew what she wanted and that alone was sexy enough for me given that women barely ever initiate booking of services from sex workers. When this happens, it happens about once a year and I am always more than happy to oblige with off the clock extras, kissing (i don’t usually kiss male clients) and whatever I feel like doing. I have a completely different attitude that I have with most female clients because they are like hitting gold in the sea of johns. I pulled my face away from her. “So you called me all the way over here and you don’t have any money?” I said, suddenly coming to my senses and realizing her manipulative tactics. She said nothing but kept trying to kiss me. “Who is going to pay for my time and gas?” I said pushing her gently back to the couch she was sitting on. “Don’t be mad.” she said. “Can we go back to your place and just have fun?” she said reaching for a bottle of some liquor in a green bottle. “Why can’t we just stay here?” I asked sitting next to her. “I have a roomate and she’s a fucking bitch. C’mon.” she said sliding her leg between mine. “Let’s get out of here.” At that moment, I punched out of my self employed work clock and decided that I would just fuck her for free because getting paid was going to be icing on the cake and admittedly I was feeling pretty typical “guy like” in my conquest of her body. I was going to get this pussy whether she paid me or not. She initiated my desire, after all, she would have to pay in cash or something else, I remember thinking. I drove her back to my house in LA from the Valley, another 45 minutes and rolled around in my bed with all my toys and lube and then I remember her passing out and kind of not reciprocating suddenly. I took that as a sign that she wanted to go to sleep so I pulled her naked body close to mine and went to sleep. 2 hours later at 5am before the sun rose, I felt her texting someone and then twenty minutes later rise suddenly and throw on her clothes and walk quietly down the stairs. She was clearly trying to sneak out, so I let her. I heard someone in a car pick her up and I just allowed her to go without speaking because I knew the routine as I’ve done it to many men before. That morning, however, I was that guy. It was me. I knew I fucked up but I didn’t really think too much of it actually because I felt justified in my actions still. She called me 2 days later with noticeable regret in her voice. “I-I don’t know what really happened that night. I was really really drunk. I just need to know if you have any STDs or anything.” she asked. I told her I had oral herpes and I could hear her soul just crumble. “But, I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.” I said recounting the sex acts that we did. That phone conversation and the awkward morning was the last time I would have sex with a drunk girl who was falling all over my libido. I learned that the morning after phone call from a devastated woman who felt violated was not one I ever wanted to have again. I learned about alcoholic blackout behavior through web research, how a black out means that the person has lost consciousness but is not necessarily passed out on the floor. I always thought that a blackout meant that they were passed out, not gone from being conscious in their mind. Blacked out people can get into fights with loved ones, assault people, damage property, drive cars and worse without their own body and mind’s consent and take everyone around them on a non consenting destructive ride with them if these people are not aware of the signs of this behavior. The key is that they do not and will not remember the details of the black out. I forgive myself, I really truly did not know any of this until after this night. And since the bisexual libido in me was actually something of a dude aching to get his dick sucked, until he like Aziz grew up through learning through terrible experiences what the consequences of his conquest mindset could actual be an act of violence. She was also guilty in this and hopefully will have also learned from her behavior. This is where the shades of gray come into play. No perfect victim, no perfect predator. What is required is willingness to learn, correct and forgive in copious amounts so that we can all get the sex we desire and feel absolutely good about it the morning after, a year or even a decade after.

Too Big Too Small Same Advice

One of the things that I most proud of lately is that I coach men on Niteflirt amongst all the porn fantasy girls offering coaching sessions on sexuality not phone sex. Men who call on this website are usually looking to masturbate and get off on some quick fantasy and those calls can last for about 3-10 minutes,but a lot my coaching calls have lasted for 60 minutes talking to seekers about various things around their sex lives. I tell them that I don't humiliate or run fantasy in my profile, which if they don't read, they will waste their $2.95 per minute and be disappointed that I'm not any kind of fantasy that will help them cum as fast as possible. Men with shame around their penis have the same problem, they aren't able to bond with the women that they desire. A man with a large penis is actually given much of the same advice as the man with the small penis. The right woman who can see you for who you are not what your body parts are is going to love you for how you make love from your heart and soul not just your cock. I"m going to emphasize that I say THE RIGHT WOMAN which is someone who is also matching you as a genuine soul after you've dealt with your insecurity issues. The process of other's acceptance of our bodies happens AFTER we first accept our own bodies. And it's great that I have the guy with the penis that is too big because I can tell the guy with the "tiny" penis the same thing. Most of what is done in phone sex with penis size is superficial worship or humiliation. And then, I suspect, and maybe this might even be true of the guy with the penis that is too large there is a lot of self fulfilling fantasy where the seeker isn't telling the truth of their issue and is just getting fake advice from their projected self. This has happened to me a lot but I can't really ever be sure, i just have my suspicions. Too Big doesn't do video calls with me, but he talks about being as big as the Black porn star Mandingo. I don't necessarily like big dick, I tell him. The physical is not what drives the best sex, it is part of it but not all of it. It's not the sustainable part. I recall hating my escort client with the Big Black Dick. He liked to push me into places of pain and resistance, he took pleasure out of my agony and after a while, I gave up on trying to endure. I couldn't even fake it. So size doesn't always mean anything to me. This is often a myth that we are fed through media and porn star worship. So many men are worshipping porn penis instead of their own, but its also conditioned into a lot of women in society. Size matters, size jokes, sitcom punchlines all about wanting big dick but I've been with too many big dicks that did nothing, absolutely nothing for me. I'm going to have to say that shape matters more than size and that there are certainly some keys that fit my keyhole like magic. Again, flashing back to my escort days where I would just have the most physical of the physical encounters but it would fall short of the person caring about me as a person so I couldn't keep going back after a while. Good sex is not sustainable without good and genuine connection based in love and acceptance. I recently saw the Last Jedi, so I had Star Wars fresh on the mind when I hadn't seen a SW movie in decades and obviously wasn't a real fan. But the metaphor of the light saber was so perfect for me to coach LITTLE into an energetically moving call that had him feeling like he could penetrate me all the way up to the top of my head and fill me with his light sword was so easily drawn into our minds and we were just vibing off of each other's ENERGY. I explained energy cock to him, that energy cock was infinite and longer than even Mandingo. I didn't need a genetic penis, I had an energy cock and I could penetrate so a man could feel, and I could feel it if you put your mouth around a strap on attached to my energy cock. It was any size I wanted it to be and that was usually larger than the entire room. I activated it. I used the force. It was real. Try me!

The curse of dating in Japan

I’m ending my first year living in Japan having experienced a full range of new rules around gender and sexuality, good and bad. GOOD: wait there must surely be some good? My friends often tell me that when I talk about Japan, I hardly have anything good to say about it. It’s good to be tested and it’s good to be out of one’s comfort zone. I think that those are good things. I had gotten to used to way things were in North America. I was a flower and boys were like birds and bees. It seemed like the law of nature that would remain unchangeable, WAKE UP CALL: it had changed when I moved countries. Even the non Japanese men were not naturally attracted to me. I was suddenly whisked back to the days of being a sexy high school teenager that had very few friends and was not in the popular crowd. The popular guys would at least be attracted to me sexually and use me for sex or making out, which to a 15 or 16 year old girl looking to get experiences seemed empowering. Since I am long past high school, when the boys who do approach me come up to me as an adult in Tokyo, they are drunk and far too forward or they are online and far too forward and they have no sense of how to flirt or actually connect with me. Or they just use me as a practice ground for conversations of interest when their reality has no space for the reality of us (they are married or something else). They aren’t willing to take me out on a date or have a get to know me conversation, they ask immediately for a kiss or sex. I can assess if a man is actually feel me from a soul level or just horny. Being a flesh container for horniness is no longer empowering, even if I get paid for it. For many many years, about fifteen or so I would be that container and make a good living from it and it felt empowering until it didn’t. When I was in high school I was collecting experiences of youth and it was exciting even when I knew that the boys who were with me weren’t really seeing me in the way that I longed to be seen. When I was a sex worker I lived my life in a way that told me and the boys in the bodies of men that I did not care. I got my power from making money off of the physical desires of men. When you notice a pattern, it is said that three times it happens in a row then the pattern is not usually them, but it is you. I am currently looking at this and restructuring how I approach the dating world of Japan. I have had issues meeting people where they are at, even if we are all in Japan. The non Japanese men that I meet seem to want something that is not in me, or perhaps they are like me and wanting to run away from the similarities in their home countries that I reflect. I prefer to date someone that speaks Japanese. I don’t want to date someone who speaks English only because I know that a good relationship involves spending lots of quality time together and I can’t sacrifice that time in my journey of becoming fluent in Japanese to be speaking English only. This could be limiting my choices. I don’t think so. I have opened myself up to meeting with people who speak English but they still don’t call me. Maybe I'm stubborn on my standards. I believe he or she is out there.

#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo Part 2

As an escort, I met Hollywood producers of films and music. I have always been a musician and multimedia performer since my youth. I was tempted with opportunities and promises to get my music heard or a role in a film. Because of my years in the sex game, I was possibly better at the hustle that some of these A list celebrities might have been. Women in Hollywood are expected to be whores but get docked for taking roles that are too trashy because they will be type cast. Many of them even become outspoken about those of us in the sex industry even as they claim to be sex positive on their shows. So the mouthpiece of oppression against women also wears a dress in order to make things even more complex. Think of the assistants who were complicit in setting up meetings for Weinstein to rape in his hotel suites. This is why these types of men, the same type as my 25 year old boss who took his 15 year old to the night baseball game wanted someone green and naive and willing to please. But, even at 15 I knew better. I told my coworker and he told our supervisor and a whole disciplinary action meeting was called in our office, I quit and went back to school after that summer. He never got what he wanted from me but an arm around me at a game and a few teen sex stories from his office worker.

I feel like what makes Rose McGowan so fierce is because she was, at a young age born into a sexually abusive cult and emancipated herself from it and jumped into a different cult, the Hollywood film industry; and similar to me in my early days of sex work felt empowered and unstoppable until meeting Weinstein. Women like us decided early on: NEVER AGAIN. But, this doesn’t mean that the break is clean. Life, after all is not a Hollywood movie, even and especially if you are fucking with Hollywood people. I’ve met music producers who promised red carpets, who have worked with Rihanna on tracks, men who were musicians with gold records on their studio walls, with pictures of celebrities that I knew and admired. They seemed to definitely talk just like the accounts of actors who have been preyed upon by Weinstein and Louis CK and Kevin Spacey and Cosby and...and...and (insert more names but we will run out of room). I told myself that no opportunity was worth it if I had to be pimped to be in it. For me as an independent escort, being pimped was more than having an agency book clients for me, pimped was the abusive slimy pimp power that looks and hurts the same as relationship violence in prostitution. It is the coercion and fear of losing your mind and body in a way that relationship violence does to all those that are submissive within it. It is the eventual conditioning to love and protect your daddy/abuser/pimp. I know about the hunger to go beyond being a backpage escort into legit fame, I lived in Los Angeles, I worked with these guys Hollywood hotels, roach motels and mansions in the hills. This was my 5 to 9. (am). But, I had in my mind a specific way that it should feel if I were to do it, and the opportunities that were proposed to me never felt like they would carry me to where I wanted to go. Many women don’t know how to say no to golden carrots, and in sex work we learn how to do this quickly because our lives and livelihood depend on it. This morning I get a text from someone asking me “Have I ever been a personal assistant to a millionaire?” and as I start screening him transparently with basic but assertive questions, I tell him,”I am assessing your credibility.” he stops texting. “It seems like you have a problem with me.” Conversation over, but for many of these women who were victims of Weinstein it was where a spark of hope began.

The way that it is told to us how Cosby drugged his victims is luckily something that I never encountered. The drugs I did with clients, we did together, consensually and they were always days more fucked up on substances than the few hours of lines that I was doing. The thing that I believe looking death in the eyes and learning how to smile while saying “Nope, I’m not going with you. Not today, Satan.” is the thing that years of escorting in LA taught me. Over the years, I met famous people who were sweet and kind and wanted not even intercourse from me. They wanted to be seen as regular guys with human needs. This is another thing that escorting in LA taught me. Once, I even walked into the million dollar home of one of the writers of what I consider to be stomach on the floor the funniest movie of all time (and it wasn’t a Louis CK film). I enthusiastically offered to him that I would be his assistant and water his plants and walk his dog if he wanted. We didn’t have sex. And he never called me again. So, while, abuse of power comes as no surprise, not all men with power and connections abuse their power and want to prey on their admirers. Of the nice guys with connections and fame that I met, I never was afforded any opportunities that led to anywhere mainstream. They often say all the players in Hollywood are prostitutes and pimps and since I was an escort I thought I might fit well in the glittering glamour of it all, but the basic business tactics and realness of sex work probably created a wall that protected me from it. I hope it all changes after this shit settles, and I actually have a little bit of hope that it will, because evolution and fall of empire is inevitable.

#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo part 1

The reason why I and many other sex workers found their way into the sex industry as a career was the first night that they work they realized something great about the power of their sexuality. More ingrained than just making cash on stage and in your hand to count at the end of a long night of lap dancing, it was the immediate reversal of the shame and feeling of guilt for having been born and grown into something that men desired to have sex with. It had to be me, not them. There was something fundamentally wrong with me for having gotten drunk with him alone, for having taken out the garbage in shorts at the age of 15, for going to a night baseball game alone with my boss and talking to him candidly about losing my virginity. My bad. Suddenly, when the blossoming whore or sex starlet (like Rose) tastes the blood that runs red through our societies swallows for the first time in a delicious and willing, empowering way it often becomes a path that we speed down without looking back. It’s like the moment when you realize that your period is not a curse, but the Universe’s greatest gift of life. This is the secret that patriarchy tries to hide and silence, and more than a decade later after having gone tired of the physical and objectification realm of sex work/sex object as a form of empowerment, I reached a new and different state of empowerment that I felt was far more sustainable than my physical beauty or any pile of cash. They can make it rain on you, but we soon get to know very well that the weather changes. Because there were things that happened to me before I even put on a 6” stiletto, it was for years wonderful to be able to vocalize my boundaries to men who were not the men who had violated my boundaries before or broken my teenage heart and hopes with their carnal desires. But I soon got tired of stripping and moved into sensual massage, domination and then escorting or having sex for piles of cash). I felt that I was ready to go there.

But more importantly, i wanted to dive into the deepest, lowest form of female existence that there was in order to see how she lived and ate and went to sleep at night amidst all of the hatred and violence and disdain from the men and women of the world.

Like anything else that I have become in my life, there were doors that were put in front of me to open, and doors that I walked through. I was not forced or trafficked, I walked into the darkness and walked out gleefully that I had not only survived but thrived...for a while. When I hear the tapes of women who were tempted with fame, connections, career boosts and more by Weinstein, I reflect upon the many years and the many wealthy and powerful men that I met through craigslist and backpage and the escort agencies I had. It doesn’t take long to reach sophomore status as an escort and I think that was what I wanted to get to. I wanted the idea of a man whipping his dick out on me or desiring me to not be so unnerving, and then later as my years as an escort flirted with danger on a regular basis, I later craved for the idea that a strange man could possibly rape and or kill me to simply not scare me. And I did this. I went to hell on heels and walked out alive and kicking, but like any other warrior, i had sustained some serious wounds as well.

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Literally. This is different from being part of a sexual minority group like Bisexual, Lesbian or Gay, which are ALSO sexual orientations, and while some kinksters identify as queer who are not LGBTQ, others do because anything that is not vanilla is considered queer to them. But we are in social justice era in America, if that is where you happen to be (I'm not, but I am American), so saying that one is Queer usually signifies the sexual minority status that one should be conscious of claiming if they are merely talking about being white, cis and having a cross dress fetish (not being transgender).

When I say that it is a sexual orientation, I mean that it is a way that OPPOSITES ATTRACT. I am talking about the orientation and direction of energies at play. I can enter a play party or kink event and find my opposite, which is often a submissive male will be inquiring towards me, making upward eyes at me or my eyebrows will perk up when I see a particularly attractive sub action that I feel like clicking with. A submissive will AROUSE my dominance just by being, not trying. This works for me as a sub too. There are a series of sentences or motions; like energetic cords seeking to be plugged into an outlet... It will get me break my protective wall down and cause me to just drop to my knees and want to serve my master. You have more power than you know, even as a submissive! Sway me to move and act. I WANT THIS. Pull. Me. Towards You.

A top wants a bottom as much as a bottom wants a top...this is the basic idea, and then, there is the other factors of attraction and matching that also go into this equation, but if the characters don’t get this basic concept, it’s fairly useless to continue talking about playing.

So if you are messaging me on here or somewhere outside of here and you say "Hey" or "Hi" and "Whats Up" on a kink portal and expect me to be attracted to you in any way you are not understanding the basic principle. You speak casually to me and talk about subbing or domming and you are acting like neither, so i sigh when you talk to me. And I probably move on or don’t respond. I REFLECT the NORMAL that I am receiving from you. You want me to be ATTRACTED to you in a sexual way, then you need to choose an orientation. We are like magnets and without polarity there is just friction. And not the fun kind. The kind that happens when two sticks rub together and don't start a fire. I am writing this because of several messages I’ve received here. And I see my dominance as that of the educator and guide instead of the bitch that just ignores you because you wasted my time, however, i do ignore people who are not a match for me. I don’t cast pearls before swine. And i am able to find this out in a few sentences which is why I always have web based video call before a session.

So take heed and be conscious next time. You want to serve a goddess or a queen then act that way! You want me to revere you as my God or my Queen or King or Domme? Embody that energy to the fullest, and if you need training in this..i can do that do, but also approach me as a seeker wishing to learn how to do these things or get nothing from me.

Sexual Energy is AGELESS

Sex workers in LA get to fuck famous people.  But these famous people aren’t always Charlie Sheen or brother Kardashian, it most likely is the B list actor who has a steady paycheck appearing on every show of the season for about ten minutes of comic relief that everyone who watches the show totally knows.

My man of the hour is one of the “famous old guys” on this show that everyone knows well, and he is a recurring character who plays one of the main character’s father.  I would brag about him to my close friends, it was a fun story; especially when I described his cup of dentures and how I photographed it for my escort art coffee table book.  These are classic moments in days that I will never be able to live again.  

He’s always drunk when I am called over.  Feeling horny after a long day of workin.  We’ve even role played a sheriff and pulled over lady once just to see if we could make this thing a little spicier.  The thing about my old man was he was Tantric master but didn’t know it.  He had an energetic cock that could go for HOURS.  And I think that he didn’t know the difference and neither did I because I’d not formally studied what we were doing, I was just screaming in ecstasy for hours under him.  The thing about energy/Tantric sex is that you don’t always have an orgasm.  Sometimes you CAN go for hours, and then just stop, have a meal, watch TV, take a shower or nap and then resume right where you left off after you recoup.  Each time you recoup you actually, if you commit to stay connected CAN continue where you left off. Something chemical happens to the bodies that keep them in attraction for what seems like 24 hours.  It must be the high you feel if you don’t keep going all night long, and it is a professional date that ends in an hour or two. This extremely energizing life FORCE that powers you through your drive home and makes your smile glimmer for some reason.  

“Is it in ya?” he said to me panting heavy in full stop because I had stopped circulating his thrusting out of fatigue.  With energy sex you seem to just get FULL and then you just push back instead of open up and you can’t take anymore without resting first.  

I didn’t know what to tell old man.  Did he REALLY think he was physically penetrating me??

“Ummmm……” i trailed off panting as well

“What happened? Did I fall out?”

I laughed, but I did end up saying,”It was never really in my dear.”

Maybe to this day he is still confused.  Maybe he doesn’t remember at all.  Now that I have been educated about Tantra and energetic sex, i can look back at being with this old man actor as one of the memories of LA sex work, one of the famous people I regularly had on my client list (sounds good doesn’t it?) and my first introduction to wild screaming sexual experiences with your clothes on.  Lots of people know it as dry humping but don’t really do it much past high school.  But, I can hereby attest that it works wonders with the old men.  The physical inevitably fails us.  Some people try to take pills or injections or just become extremely depressed like their life is over.  For my old man, it definitely wasn’t over.  But, once i transitioned out of doing escort work, and tried for the more holistic approach which he was already practicing, I lost him.  With my transition of work I also raised my rates and even though he was a well known B list actor who had been on screen for over 40 years he wasn’t willing to pay my new rates for something that he didn’t really want.  You can’t change people who aren’t interested in change, you just have to get new clients.