Too Big Too Small Same Advice

One of the things that I most proud of lately is that I coach men on Niteflirt amongst all the porn fantasy girls offering coaching sessions on sexuality not phone sex. Men who call on this website are usually looking to masturbate and get off on some quick fantasy and those calls can last for about 3-10 minutes,but a lot my coaching calls have lasted for 60 minutes talking to seekers about various things around their sex lives. I tell them that I don't humiliate or run fantasy in my profile, which if they don't read, they will waste their $2.95 per minute and be disappointed that I'm not any kind of fantasy that will help them cum as fast as possible. Men with shame around their penis have the same problem, they aren't able to bond with the women that they desire. A man with a large penis is actually given much of the same advice as the man with the small penis. The right woman who can see you for who you are not what your body parts are is going to love you for how you make love from your heart and soul not just your cock. I"m going to emphasize that I say THE RIGHT WOMAN which is someone who is also matching you as a genuine soul after you've dealt with your insecurity issues. The process of other's acceptance of our bodies happens AFTER we first accept our own bodies. And it's great that I have the guy with the penis that is too big because I can tell the guy with the "tiny" penis the same thing. Most of what is done in phone sex with penis size is superficial worship or humiliation. And then, I suspect, and maybe this might even be true of the guy with the penis that is too large there is a lot of self fulfilling fantasy where the seeker isn't telling the truth of their issue and is just getting fake advice from their projected self. This has happened to me a lot but I can't really ever be sure, i just have my suspicions. Too Big doesn't do video calls with me, but he talks about being as big as the Black porn star Mandingo. I don't necessarily like big dick, I tell him. The physical is not what drives the best sex, it is part of it but not all of it. It's not the sustainable part. I recall hating my escort client with the Big Black Dick. He liked to push me into places of pain and resistance, he took pleasure out of my agony and after a while, I gave up on trying to endure. I couldn't even fake it. So size doesn't always mean anything to me. This is often a myth that we are fed through media and porn star worship. So many men are worshipping porn penis instead of their own, but its also conditioned into a lot of women in society. Size matters, size jokes, sitcom punchlines all about wanting big dick but I've been with too many big dicks that did nothing, absolutely nothing for me. I'm going to have to say that shape matters more than size and that there are certainly some keys that fit my keyhole like magic. Again, flashing back to my escort days where I would just have the most physical of the physical encounters but it would fall short of the person caring about me as a person so I couldn't keep going back after a while. Good sex is not sustainable without good and genuine connection based in love and acceptance. I recently saw the Last Jedi, so I had Star Wars fresh on the mind when I hadn't seen a SW movie in decades and obviously wasn't a real fan. But the metaphor of the light saber was so perfect for me to coach LITTLE into an energetically moving call that had him feeling like he could penetrate me all the way up to the top of my head and fill me with his light sword was so easily drawn into our minds and we were just vibing off of each other's ENERGY. I explained energy cock to him, that energy cock was infinite and longer than even Mandingo. I didn't need a genetic penis, I had an energy cock and I could penetrate so a man could feel, and I could feel it if you put your mouth around a strap on attached to my energy cock. It was any size I wanted it to be and that was usually larger than the entire room. I activated it. I used the force. It was real. Try me!

The curse of dating in Japan

I’m ending my first year living in Japan having experienced a full range of new rules around gender and sexuality, good and bad. GOOD: wait there must surely be some good? My friends often tell me that when I talk about Japan, I hardly have anything good to say about it. It’s good to be tested and it’s good to be out of one’s comfort zone. I think that those are good things. I had gotten to used to way things were in North America. I was a flower and boys were like birds and bees. It seemed like the law of nature that would remain unchangeable, WAKE UP CALL: it had changed when I moved countries. Even the non Japanese men were not naturally attracted to me. I was suddenly whisked back to the days of being a sexy high school teenager that had very few friends and was not in the popular crowd. The popular guys would at least be attracted to me sexually and use me for sex or making out, which to a 15 or 16 year old girl looking to get experiences seemed empowering. Since I am long past high school, when the boys who do approach me come up to me as an adult in Tokyo, they are drunk and far too forward or they are online and far too forward and they have no sense of how to flirt or actually connect with me. Or they just use me as a practice ground for conversations of interest when their reality has no space for the reality of us (they are married or something else). They aren’t willing to take me out on a date or have a get to know me conversation, they ask immediately for a kiss or sex. I can assess if a man is actually feel me from a soul level or just horny. Being a flesh container for horniness is no longer empowering, even if I get paid for it. For many many years, about fifteen or so I would be that container and make a good living from it and it felt empowering until it didn’t. When I was in high school I was collecting experiences of youth and it was exciting even when I knew that the boys who were with me weren’t really seeing me in the way that I longed to be seen. When I was a sex worker I lived my life in a way that told me and the boys in the bodies of men that I did not care. I got my power from making money off of the physical desires of men. When you notice a pattern, it is said that three times it happens in a row then the pattern is not usually them, but it is you. I am currently looking at this and restructuring how I approach the dating world of Japan. I have had issues meeting people where they are at, even if we are all in Japan. The non Japanese men that I meet seem to want something that is not in me, or perhaps they are like me and wanting to run away from the similarities in their home countries that I reflect. I prefer to date someone that speaks Japanese. I don’t want to date someone who speaks English only because I know that a good relationship involves spending lots of quality time together and I can’t sacrifice that time in my journey of becoming fluent in Japanese to be speaking English only. This could be limiting my choices. I don’t think so. I have opened myself up to meeting with people who speak English but they still don’t call me. Maybe I'm stubborn on my standards. I believe he or she is out there.

#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo Part 2

As an escort, I met Hollywood producers of films and music. I have always been a musician and multimedia performer since my youth. I was tempted with opportunities and promises to get my music heard or a role in a film. Because of my years in the sex game, I was possibly better at the hustle that some of these A list celebrities might have been. Women in Hollywood are expected to be whores but get docked for taking roles that are too trashy because they will be type cast. Many of them even become outspoken about those of us in the sex industry even as they claim to be sex positive on their shows. So the mouthpiece of oppression against women also wears a dress in order to make things even more complex. Think of the assistants who were complicit in setting up meetings for Weinstein to rape in his hotel suites. This is why these types of men, the same type as my 25 year old boss who took his 15 year old to the night baseball game wanted someone green and naive and willing to please. But, even at 15 I knew better. I told my coworker and he told our supervisor and a whole disciplinary action meeting was called in our office, I quit and went back to school after that summer. He never got what he wanted from me but an arm around me at a game and a few teen sex stories from his office worker.

I feel like what makes Rose McGowan so fierce is because she was, at a young age born into a sexually abusive cult and emancipated herself from it and jumped into a different cult, the Hollywood film industry; and similar to me in my early days of sex work felt empowered and unstoppable until meeting Weinstein. Women like us decided early on: NEVER AGAIN. But, this doesn’t mean that the break is clean. Life, after all is not a Hollywood movie, even and especially if you are fucking with Hollywood people. I’ve met music producers who promised red carpets, who have worked with Rihanna on tracks, men who were musicians with gold records on their studio walls, with pictures of celebrities that I knew and admired. They seemed to definitely talk just like the accounts of actors who have been preyed upon by Weinstein and Louis CK and Kevin Spacey and Cosby and...and...and (insert more names but we will run out of room). I told myself that no opportunity was worth it if I had to be pimped to be in it. For me as an independent escort, being pimped was more than having an agency book clients for me, pimped was the abusive slimy pimp power that looks and hurts the same as relationship violence in prostitution. It is the coercion and fear of losing your mind and body in a way that relationship violence does to all those that are submissive within it. It is the eventual conditioning to love and protect your daddy/abuser/pimp. I know about the hunger to go beyond being a backpage escort into legit fame, I lived in Los Angeles, I worked with these guys Hollywood hotels, roach motels and mansions in the hills. This was my 5 to 9. (am). But, I had in my mind a specific way that it should feel if I were to do it, and the opportunities that were proposed to me never felt like they would carry me to where I wanted to go. Many women don’t know how to say no to golden carrots, and in sex work we learn how to do this quickly because our lives and livelihood depend on it. This morning I get a text from someone asking me “Have I ever been a personal assistant to a millionaire?” and as I start screening him transparently with basic but assertive questions, I tell him,”I am assessing your credibility.” he stops texting. “It seems like you have a problem with me.” Conversation over, but for many of these women who were victims of Weinstein it was where a spark of hope began.

The way that it is told to us how Cosby drugged his victims is luckily something that I never encountered. The drugs I did with clients, we did together, consensually and they were always days more fucked up on substances than the few hours of lines that I was doing. The thing that I believe looking death in the eyes and learning how to smile while saying “Nope, I’m not going with you. Not today, Satan.” is the thing that years of escorting in LA taught me. Over the years, I met famous people who were sweet and kind and wanted not even intercourse from me. They wanted to be seen as regular guys with human needs. This is another thing that escorting in LA taught me. Once, I even walked into the million dollar home of one of the writers of what I consider to be stomach on the floor the funniest movie of all time (and it wasn’t a Louis CK film). I enthusiastically offered to him that I would be his assistant and water his plants and walk his dog if he wanted. We didn’t have sex. And he never called me again. So, while, abuse of power comes as no surprise, not all men with power and connections abuse their power and want to prey on their admirers. Of the nice guys with connections and fame that I met, I never was afforded any opportunities that led to anywhere mainstream. They often say all the players in Hollywood are prostitutes and pimps and since I was an escort I thought I might fit well in the glittering glamour of it all, but the basic business tactics and realness of sex work probably created a wall that protected me from it. I hope it all changes after this shit settles, and I actually have a little bit of hope that it will, because evolution and fall of empire is inevitable.

#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo part 1

The reason why I and many other sex workers found their way into the sex industry as a career was the first night that they work they realized something great about the power of their sexuality. More ingrained than just making cash on stage and in your hand to count at the end of a long night of lap dancing, it was the immediate reversal of the shame and feeling of guilt for having been born and grown into something that men desired to have sex with. It had to be me, not them. There was something fundamentally wrong with me for having gotten drunk with him alone, for having taken out the garbage in shorts at the age of 15, for going to a night baseball game alone with my boss and talking to him candidly about losing my virginity. My bad. Suddenly, when the blossoming whore or sex starlet (like Rose) tastes the blood that runs red through our societies swallows for the first time in a delicious and willing, empowering way it often becomes a path that we speed down without looking back. It’s like the moment when you realize that your period is not a curse, but the Universe’s greatest gift of life. This is the secret that patriarchy tries to hide and silence, and more than a decade later after having gone tired of the physical and objectification realm of sex work/sex object as a form of empowerment, I reached a new and different state of empowerment that I felt was far more sustainable than my physical beauty or any pile of cash. They can make it rain on you, but we soon get to know very well that the weather changes. Because there were things that happened to me before I even put on a 6” stiletto, it was for years wonderful to be able to vocalize my boundaries to men who were not the men who had violated my boundaries before or broken my teenage heart and hopes with their carnal desires. But I soon got tired of stripping and moved into sensual massage, domination and then escorting or having sex for piles of cash). I felt that I was ready to go there.

But more importantly, i wanted to dive into the deepest, lowest form of female existence that there was in order to see how she lived and ate and went to sleep at night amidst all of the hatred and violence and disdain from the men and women of the world.

Like anything else that I have become in my life, there were doors that were put in front of me to open, and doors that I walked through. I was not forced or trafficked, I walked into the darkness and walked out gleefully that I had not only survived but thrived...for a while. When I hear the tapes of women who were tempted with fame, connections, career boosts and more by Weinstein, I reflect upon the many years and the many wealthy and powerful men that I met through craigslist and backpage and the escort agencies I had. It doesn’t take long to reach sophomore status as an escort and I think that was what I wanted to get to. I wanted the idea of a man whipping his dick out on me or desiring me to not be so unnerving, and then later as my years as an escort flirted with danger on a regular basis, I later craved for the idea that a strange man could possibly rape and or kill me to simply not scare me. And I did this. I went to hell on heels and walked out alive and kicking, but like any other warrior, i had sustained some serious wounds as well.

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Literally. This is different from being part of a sexual minority group like Bisexual, Lesbian or Gay, which are ALSO sexual orientations, and while some kinksters identify as queer who are not LGBTQ, others do because anything that is not vanilla is considered queer to them. But we are in social justice era in America, if that is where you happen to be (I'm not, but I am American), so saying that one is Queer usually signifies the sexual minority status that one should be conscious of claiming if they are merely talking about being white, cis and having a cross dress fetish (not being transgender).

When I say that it is a sexual orientation, I mean that it is a way that OPPOSITES ATTRACT. I am talking about the orientation and direction of energies at play. I can enter a play party or kink event and find my opposite, which is often a submissive male will be inquiring towards me, making upward eyes at me or my eyebrows will perk up when I see a particularly attractive sub action that I feel like clicking with. A submissive will AROUSE my dominance just by being, not trying. This works for me as a sub too. There are a series of sentences or motions; like energetic cords seeking to be plugged into an outlet... It will get me break my protective wall down and cause me to just drop to my knees and want to serve my master. You have more power than you know, even as a submissive! Sway me to move and act. I WANT THIS. Pull. Me. Towards You.

A top wants a bottom as much as a bottom wants a top...this is the basic idea, and then, there is the other factors of attraction and matching that also go into this equation, but if the characters don’t get this basic concept, it’s fairly useless to continue talking about playing.

So if you are messaging me on here or somewhere outside of here and you say "Hey" or "Hi" and "Whats Up" on a kink portal and expect me to be attracted to you in any way you are not understanding the basic principle. You speak casually to me and talk about subbing or domming and you are acting like neither, so i sigh when you talk to me. And I probably move on or don’t respond. I REFLECT the NORMAL that I am receiving from you. You want me to be ATTRACTED to you in a sexual way, then you need to choose an orientation. We are like magnets and without polarity there is just friction. And not the fun kind. The kind that happens when two sticks rub together and don't start a fire. I am writing this because of several messages I’ve received here. And I see my dominance as that of the educator and guide instead of the bitch that just ignores you because you wasted my time, however, i do ignore people who are not a match for me. I don’t cast pearls before swine. And i am able to find this out in a few sentences which is why I always have web based video call before a session.

So take heed and be conscious next time. You want to serve a goddess or a queen then act that way! You want me to revere you as my God or my Queen or King or Domme? Embody that energy to the fullest, and if you need training in this..i can do that do, but also approach me as a seeker wishing to learn how to do these things or get nothing from me.

Sexual Energy is AGELESS

Sex workers in LA get to fuck famous people.  But these famous people aren’t always Charlie Sheen or brother Kardashian, it most likely is the B list actor who has a steady paycheck appearing on every show of the season for about ten minutes of comic relief that everyone who watches the show totally knows.

My man of the hour is one of the “famous old guys” on this show that everyone knows well, and he is a recurring character who plays one of the main character’s father.  I would brag about him to my close friends, it was a fun story; especially when I described his cup of dentures and how I photographed it for my escort art coffee table book.  These are classic moments in days that I will never be able to live again.  

He’s always drunk when I am called over.  Feeling horny after a long day of workin.  We’ve even role played a sheriff and pulled over lady once just to see if we could make this thing a little spicier.  The thing about my old man was he was Tantric master but didn’t know it.  He had an energetic cock that could go for HOURS.  And I think that he didn’t know the difference and neither did I because I’d not formally studied what we were doing, I was just screaming in ecstasy for hours under him.  The thing about energy/Tantric sex is that you don’t always have an orgasm.  Sometimes you CAN go for hours, and then just stop, have a meal, watch TV, take a shower or nap and then resume right where you left off after you recoup.  Each time you recoup you actually, if you commit to stay connected CAN continue where you left off. Something chemical happens to the bodies that keep them in attraction for what seems like 24 hours.  It must be the high you feel if you don’t keep going all night long, and it is a professional date that ends in an hour or two. This extremely energizing life FORCE that powers you through your drive home and makes your smile glimmer for some reason.  

“Is it in ya?” he said to me panting heavy in full stop because I had stopped circulating his thrusting out of fatigue.  With energy sex you seem to just get FULL and then you just push back instead of open up and you can’t take anymore without resting first.  

I didn’t know what to tell old man.  Did he REALLY think he was physically penetrating me??

“Ummmm……” i trailed off panting as well

“What happened? Did I fall out?”

I laughed, but I did end up saying,”It was never really in my dear.”

Maybe to this day he is still confused.  Maybe he doesn’t remember at all.  Now that I have been educated about Tantra and energetic sex, i can look back at being with this old man actor as one of the memories of LA sex work, one of the famous people I regularly had on my client list (sounds good doesn’t it?) and my first introduction to wild screaming sexual experiences with your clothes on.  Lots of people know it as dry humping but don’t really do it much past high school.  But, I can hereby attest that it works wonders with the old men.  The physical inevitably fails us.  Some people try to take pills or injections or just become extremely depressed like their life is over.  For my old man, it definitely wasn’t over.  But, once i transitioned out of doing escort work, and tried for the more holistic approach which he was already practicing, I lost him.  With my transition of work I also raised my rates and even though he was a well known B list actor who had been on screen for over 40 years he wasn’t willing to pay my new rates for something that he didn’t really want.  You can’t change people who aren’t interested in change, you just have to get new clients.

To Domme With Love

To Domme With LOVE

Domination does not need to always actually be an act of cruelty.    There are many different Shades of Gray; we were reminded by The Secretary.  In both of these pop culture pieces, there was a love affair, albeit a twisted one but it was more than a hunger to give and receive pain or sexual pleasure that kept the submissive collared. It was arguably a connection of heart.

rope art by Hajime Kinoko

My Tantra kink teacher Francesca Gentille taught me the difference between dominance and being domineering.  She put into place something that I had been practicing for years.  Real dominance doesn't require whips, chains or any expensive outfits.  Certainly it can include those things, but it should never RELY upon external sources.  It should be your presence, knowledge, internal power, energy and skills that inspire their submission. And because i don’t have slaves that are forced to serve, I am able to convey my dominance and achieve the willing and gracious servitude of my very humble submissives through my confidence of character, practical teachings and intentional language of authority that wields energy skillfully as their dominant goddess.  I am a goddess not because I wear an outfit or deem all women to be inherently superior to men, I believe that I embody the energy of the fluid gendered divine force that uses my body as a physical channel. I believe that my submissives are gods that I am training and not trash. I can guide and mentor them to discover the power that they are unable to see in themselves through their trust in my transfer of knowledge and spirit into their physical body via my physical and non physical energetic body cock.  (Yes, I did say that).  But first, a MUTUAL trust is formed.  I cast my magical web of sub space around my beautiful god or goddess.  

And like kinbaku creations they are 取れあえずだね。Just for now.  一時的。Every moment is what we seek.  The journey, not the outcome. A climax.  A resting period.  An unraveling and starting over.  There are many lessons to be learned and exchanged in Kink and BDSM even without cruelty or even working with darkness so much as SHADOW.   All light needs shadow.  Life (flowers, crops, etc) need periods of dark to grow.  And so do we.    

Recently, I’ve been reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages as well as reading many other relationship theory books and online resources.  Chapman has more Christian devotional versions of his teachings than others, but the resources that are not so religious devoted speak to me and are relative to my life as a professional Tantric dominant.  Tantra is a spiritual philosophy not a religion and I am actually averse to teachings that are too heavy with Christian dogma, but Chapman has selections that seem to be written for the non religious masses.   I understand how to take what I want and leave the rest behind when learning, as you should when you are learning from the internet, me or anyone else.  The main idea of Love Languages is for you to identify, understand and start speaking and mastering your partner’s language of love, if your goal is to remain together and happy.   This is one of the things I train my submissives to do.  The results of my online test rank “acts of service” high as one of my Love languages, “words of affection” and “physical touch” also rank high.  I think within the kink world this type of physical touch can be broken down even further into pain, bondage, electric shock, however for the sake of simplicity we will focus on non impact touching.

My requests to my submissives are to try to make my life easier, not harder.  This is how you can prove your devotion to the goddess.  Sometimes, these can be a mere illusion and the tasks are just used as a training exercise to build my brand of “sub space.”  I know well, after years of being a dominant, however that if you really want something done well, you cannot let a collared submissive take care of it.  Perhaps for a few things this might work well with, but not with too many things and certainly not things of great importance.  Of course, as with all relationships the amount of trust usually increases with the amount of time you spend together, and I typically have only short term contracted subs and none of them have proven worthy of extremely important tasks.  Subs are after all still gods in training and I see them as students, therefore, it would be similar to a teacher asking the student to take over the class or watch the kids, too much responsibility too soon would be naive of the domme.   I am no brat tamer and have little patience for those that attempt to manipulate my kindness.
At this point of my career as a goddess, if you are teachable and submissive and willing to follow my guidance you are already speaking my love language.  If you call me ma’am and goddess as instructed, you are also speaking my love language.  If I call you my “sub” I explain to you that it is an earned title that not everyone gets because they think they are submissive, it is actually a term of endearment and affection for me.   There have been cases where once I realized that the person calling himself “submissive” was not truly submissive but manipulative or attempting to top from the bottom the title of “sub” is immediately dropped and they get no naming of any kind from me.  Maybe, even their government name is used, so that I can emphasize to them that I am on to their charade.  I spend little wasted time continuing to engage and usually we go our separate ways.

rope art by Hajime Kinoko

  In the art of Tantra, the energetic exchange using the heart is the other greatest element of how we can dominate with LOVE.  When I say this, I also mean directly and implicitly transmitting energy from my heart to yours, either by direct physical contact of your or my heart or by consciously directing the energy with my mind or by direct contact with my hand on your heart or leading of your hand onto mine.  If I am switching, I make sure that my domme knows that this is something that I actually need for reassurance of his love and trust.  It has the power to calm the nerves, breath and body.  It is deeply felt and instantaneous.   For me to submit, there is not just aftercare, there is during care.  My HEART is directly and implicitly involved in everything I do as both a dominant and a submissive.  If this cannot be attained, I am not interested.