#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo Part 2

As an escort, I met Hollywood producers of films and music. I have always been a musician and multimedia performer since my youth. I was tempted with opportunities and promises to get my music heard or a role in a film. Because of my years in the sex game, I was possibly better at the hustle that some of these A list celebrities might have been. Women in Hollywood are expected to be whores but get docked for taking roles that are too trashy because they will be type cast. Many of them even become outspoken about those of us in the sex industry even as they claim to be sex positive on their shows. So the mouthpiece of oppression against women also wears a dress in order to make things even more complex. Think of the assistants who were complicit in setting up meetings for Weinstein to rape in his hotel suites. This is why these types of men, the same type as my 25 year old boss who took his 15 year old to the night baseball game wanted someone green and naive and willing to please. But, even at 15 I knew better. I told my coworker and he told our supervisor and a whole disciplinary action meeting was called in our office, I quit and went back to school after that summer. He never got what he wanted from me but an arm around me at a game and a few teen sex stories from his office worker.

I feel like what makes Rose McGowan so fierce is because she was, at a young age born into a sexually abusive cult and emancipated herself from it and jumped into a different cult, the Hollywood film industry; and similar to me in my early days of sex work felt empowered and unstoppable until meeting Weinstein. Women like us decided early on: NEVER AGAIN. But, this doesn’t mean that the break is clean. Life, after all is not a Hollywood movie, even and especially if you are fucking with Hollywood people. I’ve met music producers who promised red carpets, who have worked with Rihanna on tracks, men who were musicians with gold records on their studio walls, with pictures of celebrities that I knew and admired. They seemed to definitely talk just like the accounts of actors who have been preyed upon by Weinstein and Louis CK and Kevin Spacey and Cosby and...and...and (insert more names but we will run out of room). I told myself that no opportunity was worth it if I had to be pimped to be in it. For me as an independent escort, being pimped was more than having an agency book clients for me, pimped was the abusive slimy pimp power that looks and hurts the same as relationship violence in prostitution. It is the coercion and fear of losing your mind and body in a way that relationship violence does to all those that are submissive within it. It is the eventual conditioning to love and protect your daddy/abuser/pimp. I know about the hunger to go beyond being a backpage escort into legit fame, I lived in Los Angeles, I worked with these guys Hollywood hotels, roach motels and mansions in the hills. This was my 5 to 9. (am). But, I had in my mind a specific way that it should feel if I were to do it, and the opportunities that were proposed to me never felt like they would carry me to where I wanted to go. Many women don’t know how to say no to golden carrots, and in sex work we learn how to do this quickly because our lives and livelihood depend on it. This morning I get a text from someone asking me “Have I ever been a personal assistant to a millionaire?” and as I start screening him transparently with basic but assertive questions, I tell him,”I am assessing your credibility.” he stops texting. “It seems like you have a problem with me.” Conversation over, but for many of these women who were victims of Weinstein it was where a spark of hope began.

The way that it is told to us how Cosby drugged his victims is luckily something that I never encountered. The drugs I did with clients, we did together, consensually and they were always days more fucked up on substances than the few hours of lines that I was doing. The thing that I believe looking death in the eyes and learning how to smile while saying “Nope, I’m not going with you. Not today, Satan.” is the thing that years of escorting in LA taught me. Over the years, I met famous people who were sweet and kind and wanted not even intercourse from me. They wanted to be seen as regular guys with human needs. This is another thing that escorting in LA taught me. Once, I even walked into the million dollar home of one of the writers of what I consider to be stomach on the floor the funniest movie of all time (and it wasn’t a Louis CK film). I enthusiastically offered to him that I would be his assistant and water his plants and walk his dog if he wanted. We didn’t have sex. And he never called me again. So, while, abuse of power comes as no surprise, not all men with power and connections abuse their power and want to prey on their admirers. Of the nice guys with connections and fame that I met, I never was afforded any opportunities that led to anywhere mainstream. They often say all the players in Hollywood are prostitutes and pimps and since I was an escort I thought I might fit well in the glittering glamour of it all, but the basic business tactics and realness of sex work probably created a wall that protected me from it. I hope it all changes after this shit settles, and I actually have a little bit of hope that it will, because evolution and fall of empire is inevitable.

#metoo #ustoo #whorestoo part 1

The reason why I and many other sex workers found their way into the sex industry as a career was the first night that they work they realized something great about the power of their sexuality. More ingrained than just making cash on stage and in your hand to count at the end of a long night of lap dancing, it was the immediate reversal of the shame and feeling of guilt for having been born and grown into something that men desired to have sex with. It had to be me, not them. There was something fundamentally wrong with me for having gotten drunk with him alone, for having taken out the garbage in shorts at the age of 15, for going to a night baseball game alone with my boss and talking to him candidly about losing my virginity. My bad. Suddenly, when the blossoming whore or sex starlet (like Rose) tastes the blood that runs red through our societies swallows for the first time in a delicious and willing, empowering way it often becomes a path that we speed down without looking back. It’s like the moment when you realize that your period is not a curse, but the Universe’s greatest gift of life. This is the secret that patriarchy tries to hide and silence, and more than a decade later after having gone tired of the physical and objectification realm of sex work/sex object as a form of empowerment, I reached a new and different state of empowerment that I felt was far more sustainable than my physical beauty or any pile of cash. They can make it rain on you, but we soon get to know very well that the weather changes. Because there were things that happened to me before I even put on a 6” stiletto, it was for years wonderful to be able to vocalize my boundaries to men who were not the men who had violated my boundaries before or broken my teenage heart and hopes with their carnal desires. But I soon got tired of stripping and moved into sensual massage, domination and then escorting or having sex for piles of cash). I felt that I was ready to go there.

But more importantly, i wanted to dive into the deepest, lowest form of female existence that there was in order to see how she lived and ate and went to sleep at night amidst all of the hatred and violence and disdain from the men and women of the world.

Like anything else that I have become in my life, there were doors that were put in front of me to open, and doors that I walked through. I was not forced or trafficked, I walked into the darkness and walked out gleefully that I had not only survived but thrived...for a while. When I hear the tapes of women who were tempted with fame, connections, career boosts and more by Weinstein, I reflect upon the many years and the many wealthy and powerful men that I met through craigslist and backpage and the escort agencies I had. It doesn’t take long to reach sophomore status as an escort and I think that was what I wanted to get to. I wanted the idea of a man whipping his dick out on me or desiring me to not be so unnerving, and then later as my years as an escort flirted with danger on a regular basis, I later craved for the idea that a strange man could possibly rape and or kill me to simply not scare me. And I did this. I went to hell on heels and walked out alive and kicking, but like any other warrior, i had sustained some serious wounds as well.

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Dominance and Submission is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Literally. This is different from being part of a sexual minority group like Bisexual, Lesbian or Gay, which are ALSO sexual orientations, and while some kinksters identify as queer who are not LGBTQ, others do because anything that is not vanilla is considered queer to them. But we are in social justice era in America, if that is where you happen to be (I'm not, but I am American), so saying that one is Queer usually signifies the sexual minority status that one should be conscious of claiming if they are merely talking about being white, cis and having a cross dress fetish (not being transgender).

When I say that it is a sexual orientation, I mean that it is a way that OPPOSITES ATTRACT. I am talking about the orientation and direction of energies at play. I can enter a play party or kink event and find my opposite, which is often a submissive male will be inquiring towards me, making upward eyes at me or my eyebrows will perk up when I see a particularly attractive sub action that I feel like clicking with. A submissive will AROUSE my dominance just by being, not trying. This works for me as a sub too. There are a series of sentences or motions; like energetic cords seeking to be plugged into an outlet... It will get me break my protective wall down and cause me to just drop to my knees and want to serve my master. You have more power than you know, even as a submissive! Sway me to move and act. I WANT THIS. Pull. Me. Towards You.

A top wants a bottom as much as a bottom wants a top...this is the basic idea, and then, there is the other factors of attraction and matching that also go into this equation, but if the characters don’t get this basic concept, it’s fairly useless to continue talking about playing.

So if you are messaging me on here or somewhere outside of here and you say "Hey" or "Hi" and "Whats Up" on a kink portal and expect me to be attracted to you in any way you are not understanding the basic principle. You speak casually to me and talk about subbing or domming and you are acting like neither, so i sigh when you talk to me. And I probably move on or don’t respond. I REFLECT the NORMAL that I am receiving from you. You want me to be ATTRACTED to you in a sexual way, then you need to choose an orientation. We are like magnets and without polarity there is just friction. And not the fun kind. The kind that happens when two sticks rub together and don't start a fire. I am writing this because of several messages I’ve received here. And I see my dominance as that of the educator and guide instead of the bitch that just ignores you because you wasted my time, however, i do ignore people who are not a match for me. I don’t cast pearls before swine. And i am able to find this out in a few sentences which is why I always have web based video call before a session.

So take heed and be conscious next time. You want to serve a goddess or a queen then act that way! You want me to revere you as my God or my Queen or King or Domme? Embody that energy to the fullest, and if you need training in this..i can do that do, but also approach me as a seeker wishing to learn how to do these things or get nothing from me.

Sexual Energy is AGELESS

Sex workers in LA get to fuck famous people.  But these famous people aren’t always Charlie Sheen or brother Kardashian, it most likely is the B list actor who has a steady paycheck appearing on every show of the season for about ten minutes of comic relief that everyone who watches the show totally knows.

My man of the hour is one of the “famous old guys” on this show that everyone knows well, and he is a recurring character who plays one of the main character’s father.  I would brag about him to my close friends, it was a fun story; especially when I described his cup of dentures and how I photographed it for my escort art coffee table book.  These are classic moments in days that I will never be able to live again.  

He’s always drunk when I am called over.  Feeling horny after a long day of workin.  We’ve even role played a sheriff and pulled over lady once just to see if we could make this thing a little spicier.  The thing about my old man was he was Tantric master but didn’t know it.  He had an energetic cock that could go for HOURS.  And I think that he didn’t know the difference and neither did I because I’d not formally studied what we were doing, I was just screaming in ecstasy for hours under him.  The thing about energy/Tantric sex is that you don’t always have an orgasm.  Sometimes you CAN go for hours, and then just stop, have a meal, watch TV, take a shower or nap and then resume right where you left off after you recoup.  Each time you recoup you actually, if you commit to stay connected CAN continue where you left off. Something chemical happens to the bodies that keep them in attraction for what seems like 24 hours.  It must be the high you feel if you don’t keep going all night long, and it is a professional date that ends in an hour or two. This extremely energizing life FORCE that powers you through your drive home and makes your smile glimmer for some reason.  

“Is it in ya?” he said to me panting heavy in full stop because I had stopped circulating his thrusting out of fatigue.  With energy sex you seem to just get FULL and then you just push back instead of open up and you can’t take anymore without resting first.  

I didn’t know what to tell old man.  Did he REALLY think he was physically penetrating me??

“Ummmm……” i trailed off panting as well

“What happened? Did I fall out?”

I laughed, but I did end up saying,”It was never really in my dear.”

Maybe to this day he is still confused.  Maybe he doesn’t remember at all.  Now that I have been educated about Tantra and energetic sex, i can look back at being with this old man actor as one of the memories of LA sex work, one of the famous people I regularly had on my client list (sounds good doesn’t it?) and my first introduction to wild screaming sexual experiences with your clothes on.  Lots of people know it as dry humping but don’t really do it much past high school.  But, I can hereby attest that it works wonders with the old men.  The physical inevitably fails us.  Some people try to take pills or injections or just become extremely depressed like their life is over.  For my old man, it definitely wasn’t over.  But, once i transitioned out of doing escort work, and tried for the more holistic approach which he was already practicing, I lost him.  With my transition of work I also raised my rates and even though he was a well known B list actor who had been on screen for over 40 years he wasn’t willing to pay my new rates for something that he didn’t really want.  You can’t change people who aren’t interested in change, you just have to get new clients.

To Domme With Love

To Domme With LOVE

Domination does not need to always actually be an act of cruelty.    There are many different Shades of Gray; we were reminded by The Secretary.  In both of these pop culture pieces, there was a love affair, albeit a twisted one but it was more than a hunger to give and receive pain or sexual pleasure that kept the submissive collared. It was arguably a connection of heart.

rope art by Hajime Kinoko

My Tantra kink teacher Francesca Gentille taught me the difference between dominance and being domineering.  She put into place something that I had been practicing for years.  Real dominance doesn't require whips, chains or any expensive outfits.  Certainly it can include those things, but it should never RELY upon external sources.  It should be your presence, knowledge, internal power, energy and skills that inspire their submission. And because i don’t have slaves that are forced to serve, I am able to convey my dominance and achieve the willing and gracious servitude of my very humble submissives through my confidence of character, practical teachings and intentional language of authority that wields energy skillfully as their dominant goddess.  I am a goddess not because I wear an outfit or deem all women to be inherently superior to men, I believe that I embody the energy of the fluid gendered divine force that uses my body as a physical channel. I believe that my submissives are gods that I am training and not trash. I can guide and mentor them to discover the power that they are unable to see in themselves through their trust in my transfer of knowledge and spirit into their physical body via my physical and non physical energetic body cock.  (Yes, I did say that).  But first, a MUTUAL trust is formed.  I cast my magical web of sub space around my beautiful god or goddess.  

And like kinbaku creations they are 取れあえずだね。Just for now.  一時的。Every moment is what we seek.  The journey, not the outcome. A climax.  A resting period.  An unraveling and starting over.  There are many lessons to be learned and exchanged in Kink and BDSM even without cruelty or even working with darkness so much as SHADOW.   All light needs shadow.  Life (flowers, crops, etc) need periods of dark to grow.  And so do we.    

Recently, I’ve been reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages as well as reading many other relationship theory books and online resources.  Chapman has more Christian devotional versions of his teachings than others, but the resources that are not so religious devoted speak to me and are relative to my life as a professional Tantric dominant.  Tantra is a spiritual philosophy not a religion and I am actually averse to teachings that are too heavy with Christian dogma, but Chapman has selections that seem to be written for the non religious masses.   I understand how to take what I want and leave the rest behind when learning, as you should when you are learning from the internet, me or anyone else.  The main idea of Love Languages is for you to identify, understand and start speaking and mastering your partner’s language of love, if your goal is to remain together and happy.   This is one of the things I train my submissives to do.  The results of my online test rank “acts of service” high as one of my Love languages, “words of affection” and “physical touch” also rank high.  I think within the kink world this type of physical touch can be broken down even further into pain, bondage, electric shock, however for the sake of simplicity we will focus on non impact touching.

My requests to my submissives are to try to make my life easier, not harder.  This is how you can prove your devotion to the goddess.  Sometimes, these can be a mere illusion and the tasks are just used as a training exercise to build my brand of “sub space.”  I know well, after years of being a dominant, however that if you really want something done well, you cannot let a collared submissive take care of it.  Perhaps for a few things this might work well with, but not with too many things and certainly not things of great importance.  Of course, as with all relationships the amount of trust usually increases with the amount of time you spend together, and I typically have only short term contracted subs and none of them have proven worthy of extremely important tasks.  Subs are after all still gods in training and I see them as students, therefore, it would be similar to a teacher asking the student to take over the class or watch the kids, too much responsibility too soon would be naive of the domme.   I am no brat tamer and have little patience for those that attempt to manipulate my kindness.
At this point of my career as a goddess, if you are teachable and submissive and willing to follow my guidance you are already speaking my love language.  If you call me ma’am and goddess as instructed, you are also speaking my love language.  If I call you my “sub” I explain to you that it is an earned title that not everyone gets because they think they are submissive, it is actually a term of endearment and affection for me.   There have been cases where once I realized that the person calling himself “submissive” was not truly submissive but manipulative or attempting to top from the bottom the title of “sub” is immediately dropped and they get no naming of any kind from me.  Maybe, even their government name is used, so that I can emphasize to them that I am on to their charade.  I spend little wasted time continuing to engage and usually we go our separate ways.

rope art by Hajime Kinoko

  In the art of Tantra, the energetic exchange using the heart is the other greatest element of how we can dominate with LOVE.  When I say this, I also mean directly and implicitly transmitting energy from my heart to yours, either by direct physical contact of your or my heart or by consciously directing the energy with my mind or by direct contact with my hand on your heart or leading of your hand onto mine.  If I am switching, I make sure that my domme knows that this is something that I actually need for reassurance of his love and trust.  It has the power to calm the nerves, breath and body.  It is deeply felt and instantaneous.   For me to submit, there is not just aftercare, there is during care.  My HEART is directly and implicitly involved in everything I do as both a dominant and a submissive.  If this cannot be attained, I am not interested.    

The Biggest Dick Festival in Japan

Kelly Shibari, of BBW porn fame happened to be visiting Japan in April and she told me that she was spending her day at Kanamara Matsuri, which isn't the only festival of its kind in Japan but it is the most well known, especially to tourists and resident foreigners as another Japonistic ecleticism. 

I was already aware of the spiritual ritual associated with fertility in Japan as Uwajima, next to my mothers hometown also has not only a similar festival in August but an entire sexuality museum that i had already visited with my Aunt, no less. (another blog, another day). I was heavily jet lagged from just coming back from Los Angeles 2 days before and I also caught a cold from the airplane so nothing, not even dicks everywhere could cheer me up but I definitely wanted to see the event "in the flesh."  I caught the subway from Tokyo 45 minutes to Kanagawa.  I already missed the best parts of the event it seemed, but being sick and tired and far away by public transportation, i was glad i made it.  The parade starts at 10am and then there are fun festivities such as the daikon radish carving contest that i missed! I roamed around in a head cold jet lagged haze and was so surprised at how many male bodied foreigners there were. Perhaps every male gaijin in Kanto was at this event it seemed.  It was very interesting to see Japanese girls and some guys sucking on dick shaped lollipops out in broad daylight since Japanese sexuality is usually reserved for private and specific times and places, perhaps this was one of those acceptable ones.  I got 2 pink penis candles and they are sitting on my altar, next to all things sacred at my home in Tokyo.  I have a fantasy placed by porn conditioning of having 2 dicks in my mouth so placing them on the altar helps to send that message to the Universe so i might be able to manifest that reality!  You would think it might be easy but, like many things seen and only done in porn it is a lot harder for any real dick owners i have ever known to simultaneously penetrate my mouth.  Ive asked! I promise i have.

There was just a lot of beer drinking and hanging out, a Kawasaki wedding type band was on stage playing their hits.  I couldn't drink and it was extremely crowded and hot.  The Japanese people were so excited that they could view and worship a natural part of the human body without GOVERNMENT SANCTIONED PIXELIZATION covering its beautiful shape for once. Indeed, this festival and ritual has beem part of Japans history for many centuries since Edo.   

During this period, the river town of Kanagawa was a port town that was well known for tea house brothels.  The prostitutes of the area would pray at the local temple to be protected from venereal diseases as well as fertility for hopeful mothers. 

Today, the large pink phallus has a name (Elizabeth) and a purpose (to highlight LGBT awareness by having the mikoshi (penis pallaquin) carried by male to female transwomen. Elizabeth is donated by the local queer bar so this part serves as a mini queer pride parade element in a sea of heteronormativity.  Luckily, sex workers in Japan today can use much more than prayer to protect themselves from STI/AIDS but the contemporary festivities seem to overshadow the spiritual and historical origins. But, sho ga nai (it cannot be helped). As i said, as a foreign Japanese American its great to see any sex positivity out in the open. 

Selling Used Panties to Grandpa p2

He asked to see my ass and made a grimace of pure disgust when I showed him. He grabbed his own belly roll to indicate that I was chubby.  He asked me my age and because I told him the truth which wasn't within the 12-30 age range that his clientele fantasized, and upon hearing the actual number which for some reason, I didn't lie about, I was even more disqualified.  Contrary to the blog post I had read, being of mixed race Japanese descent set me kilometers behind the true Japanese school girl in the panty selling race.  This exchange was definitely about me being a strong American diva who stood in stark opposition to the culture of the fantasized Japanese girl panty wearer. Sex work had evolved me into a diva warrior and I would never take it back for the days of living in a powerless world of feeling abused and victimized by the licentious garbage men who would whistle at me as a teenager.  Tales of empowered teenagers in Japan (ko-gals) who sold their panties to places like this and went on genki non sexual dates (engeiki-jo) with older men reached us in the U.S and I knew better than to think that the opportunistic diva spirit didn't reside under the skirt of some of the super kawaii girls too.

I came here for the experience of selling my used panties and I was not going to leave until I had completed that sale.  Grandpa let me take photos of the shop, which was a small room packed with school uniforms from different schools, some known as more elite than others, a large box of used underwear, and clotheslines with women's polaroids next to their associated pairs of underwear.  The blog post said bloody period underwear would sell, but the grandpa on shift told me otherwise.  I was so intrigued that blood stained underwear would sell according to blood type that i posted about this on my Facebook with quite a stir. In Asian countries blood type seems to be a determinant for dating matches because they believe it is something like horoscopes.  In Western countries, even if we blood test often for STDs none of us are ever told what our blood type is, I even checked to see if it was listed on my birth certificate and it wasn’t on there. This was another unfortunate thing for me as the seller because I had plenty of blood stained pairs of used underwear I'd love to off to the grandpas of Japan.  I went to one of the hugest comic cons in Tokyo recently with one of my friends and we observed so much of this school girl fascination in different illustrations it seemed like not being into underage girls was the true crime. “I'm just not interested in 12 year old lesbians,” my fellow American male said to me while we passed a poster of two anime girls in a wide eyed naked embrace fresh out of a bathroom together. “I bet this stuff would actually be confiscated if you tried to bring it back to the U.S as child porn.” It made me laugh to hear something so matter of fact in a non primal direction from a male.  He actually pointed out the fact that TSA inspectors are trained to confiscate material that pictured this scene exactly. But, to the Japanese viewer it was normal.  I had enough to write my blog piece and I was ready to leave and not return to this joint. The final selling process was similar to selling CDs in that it required your address and signature. When I finally received my 1500 yen I promptly headed down the stairs to look for a nearby bar to have a drink and message friends about the crazy and somewhat humiliating cultural experience. I assured myself that I got something more than a little cash out of the experience, I had some fun and definitely learned something new and strange.