Sometimes you don't have sex at a sex party

“What happens at a sex party?” my married friend asks.

He’s confided in me to speak freely about his affairs but has never been to a sex party.  I tried to get him to go because it was clear to me that he was already not too concerned about being faithful.  He and I have never played together, we actually met at a shibari rope workshop and have practiced rope ties on each other, but shibari can be either totally kinky or just something like a platonic ping pong match for people like me.  He’s bought me some rope but never really hit on me sexually except to be a somewhat service oriented submissive, which I actually really have a soft spot for. If you start to do things for me, it actually gets me to like you more. I”m not attracted to him however, and he is still safely married with children which somewhat keeps him moving slower than he would probably like to.  I knew the organizer from Facebook because she had friended me months before coming to Tokyo to promote her event, and I had talked to her about the potentials of promoting such a thing in Japan. There were 5 Japanese people there, well 5.5 including me. I’ve been to play parties that were all Japanese and all American (in America). I was well informed of the popular format that conscious play parties that J, the organizer was following, which are the opposite of the way things happen in Japan.  Emotional safety is important for non Japanese. They do have security in Japanese “happening (sex) bars” so that the women that attend feel safe. There are safer sex supplies there and conversation about STDs and gentle warnings to people to not participate if they have a known outbreak or disease. I had my period and had a menstrual cup inside of me to hold all the blood inside but I never let my period disrupt my sexual flow normally so I wasn’t going to let it that night. If I was penetrated it would get messy but not incredibly messier than anyone squirting ejaculate all over the place.   I have a personal rule that people who have sex with me need to have sex with me when I am menstruating if they want to fuck me when I’m not. If the calendar falls on the week of my period and they reveal that they have aversions, it would probably stop me from having sex with them ever. I believe my period is an extension of my body and that all lovers must be accepting of me in all of my body’s glory, armpit hair and bloody mess inclusive.

“Its taken me a long time for to get as comfortable as I am about going to these things,” I told my friend.  “I’ve probably attended about 7 or so events in order to become as comfortable as I am today. In those 7 attendances only half of the times did I have intercourse, many of those parties were non penetrative energy sex parties where penetration was not even an option.  This is how you get comfortable with all levels of sexuality being fun and enjoyable, not just attached to one outcome. You need to get fucking out of your mind in order to have a good time, because it might not happen. Not even to women who are attractive like me.” And, sure enough, in this last party that I attended I didn’t end up having sex with anyone.  I met a lot of cool people and they were lovely and friendly. I had a great time and I shared sensual energy with people and it was great, just like these events always are. It always amazes me how the chips fall at these events. Sometimes you just end up getting paired up with someone quite quickly and other times you just end up playing the guitar and singing and other times, you meet someone that you end up getting together with later in time.  I’ve had the latter happen more than once as well. Sometimes the pressure to meet and get it on in the span of a few hours is difficult to do for people. I was surrounded by different people having hot sex, and I’m not usually a voyeur but a lot of the sex that was happening around me was enticing to me and giving me pause and getting me to stare for sure. A domme and his sub were there and he was talking to her in Japanese and telling her to fuck all these other men and then occasionally he would do what he wanted with her body, including fist her ass.  3 lesbians of all sizes were in a pile on top of each other, which was pretty exciting. And me, I was hanging out and talking maybe kissing some guy, his wife was one of these 3 women and we were talking about his open marriage. Then I met a lovely Black woman, we were drinking and talking and then i was by her side when someone was ejaculating her for the first time assuring her that she wasn’t peeing on him because she had clearly not ever ejaculated before. It was a fun night.

High Risk is for the Birds

I’ve been having lots of trouble screening people when they want to book in Japan.

 I don’t have a rigorous screening process like some escorts I know in America.

Lately guys in Tokyo don’t even want to tell me their real name.  

This is so insane to me as everywhere in Japan you have to show your ID and your passport
to make reservations. If you do not have a valid visa you cannot even rent a computer or stay
at any hotels in Japan, i suppose you could stay at a love hotel for one night but its very expensive
and you would not be able to do this long term.  This is how the government here cracks down
on illegal immigration, it makes it very difficult to function without a paper trail.
I used to be flippant about screening but I lived a decade of high risk and paid the cost of
enduring much trauma in my life so I started to change my policies and the violence I felt like
I had to endure went away!  I could bring clients to my small apartment. It’s not a Hilton or
Westin hotel room by any means, it is a very simple studio apartment, however with candles
in the dark it doesn’t really matter. I got robbed by a client about ten years ago in LA, but in
those days I was barely screening clients. They could give me obviously fake names and I’d
still go see them.   In America, prostitution is illegal and violence is high so having a rigorous
screening process is the only way that many sex workers will even consider entertaining a client.
This is a working standard for most providers so it becomes a normal procedure and not a
surprising thing for business people of a certain caliber to have show 2 forms of ID, have
a reference from another provider AND let a girl call his work and ask for him discreetly.
 I’ve been able to get clients in Japan to do this but many many don’t want understand the
need for this. I don’t trust police to help me because of the many years I have in sex work.
I definitely don’t trust American police and believe that Japan is not a country where the
rights and words of women in danger are respected or believed, especially not from a
foreigner and not from someone who doesn’t speak Japanese well enough to explain the
situation.  I have heard that the police often will automatically side with the Japanese citizen
in a fight even if the Japanese person started a fight with a foreigner. And if the citizen is a
non Japanese, well I don’t know what would happen then. The racism and xenophobia
here is selective and complex just like the U.S so I try my hardest to live a life free of incident
which can be done simply by screening and not taking so many obvious risks to self.
Knowing the real name, the accountable person’s name who says they will not harm
you is one step that doesn’t even guarantee my safety!  It just helps build trust. Actually,
I feel since the ball of danger is disproportionately weighted towards the male client, they
should actually be doing more than me to show me that they can be trusted. It’s similar to
using a condom during sex in my opinion. I did recently finally take a client who agreed to
meet me at the supermarket near my house and go to a love hotel together without ID.
I wouldn’t invite him to my home. I wouldn’t take the monetary and time risk to go to him 45
minutes one way from my home either. This would be 90 minutes on a train roundtrip plus
more time to prepare for the session.  I would not take a train late at night and meet him at a
hotel on the first date because if he turned out to not show, I would have to bear the burden
of taking a taxi home. When I waited for him at the supermarket, I felt like I was in my 30s
again in LA. I know the feeling of taking risks on clients well, but this person had agreed as
much as he was going to agree and seemed to want a session bad enough to take a taxi cab
from his work. Everything worked out fine in the end of the session and I was relieved
because I always really need to the money since I barely work in Japan but I always tell
myself that no amount of money is worth being harmed or endangered at this point of my life.
 Recovering from sexual trauma is seriously something I want to leave in my younger days.